Here's What to Do When You're Feeling Lonely, according to Experts P1
Oct 27, 2022 | by Adele Jackson-Gibson
If you're feeling isolated, these psychologist-approved strategies can help you feel more connected.
By Adele Jackson-Gibson
You could say the world is more connected than it's ever been before. Friends, family and strangers who live miles apart can communicate instantly, thanks to the power of social media and the internet. And yet... why do so many of us still feel lonely?
Researchers claim that the U.S. is currently experiencing a "loneliness epidemic" — particularly in the midst of social isolation experienced during the prolonged COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, a 2021 study conducted by health insurer Cigna found that more than half of American adults — approximately 58% — are considered lonely by clinical standards. Furthermore, loneliness is closely linked with overall mental health: Adults with mental health issues are more than twice as likely to feel lonely and experience side effects as those with strong mental health. Doctors have also found that people who are lonely tend to have increased blood pressure, weaker immune systems and more inflammation throughout the body.
Turns out, connectedness with other people is vital for our own survival. If you're wondering what to do when feeling lonely, here's what therapists, doctors and researchers say are some of the best strategies to cope with loneliness:
Acknowledge and validate your feelings of loneliness.
Telling other people — or even admitting to yourself — that you're lonely can feel scary, shameful and self-defeating. But expressing that feeling can be the beginning of releasing it.
"We tend to stigmatize loneliness in the U.S., equating it with being a loner or a loser," says Kory Floyd, Professor of Communication and Psychology at the University of Arizona. "That stigma encourages us to avoid admitting when we're lonely. Denying our loneliness only perpetuates it, so before we can recover, we have to be honest — at least with ourselves — about what we are experiencing."
Recognize that you are not alone in feeling lonely.
If you're feeling isolated, you're sharing the experience with millions of other people. "[When I'm lonely] I remind myself just how pervasive loneliness is and I imagine being connected to 'all of the lonely people out there.' Sometimes I listen to "Eleanor Rigby" [by the Beatles] to hammer that point home," says Megan Bruneau, therapist, executive coach and author of How to Be Alone (And Together). "Loneliness is a healthy emotion, revealing places we yearn for connection."
Take stock of connections you already have.
Sometimes when we are feeling lonely, we can't see what's right in front of us.
"Many of us get tunnel vision when it comes to affection and intimacy, in that we 'count' only certain behaviors while discounting others," says Professor Floyd. "I might notice that my friends don't tell me they love me, or don't 'like' my social media posts, but I overlook the fact that they always volunteer to help when I have a home project to do. When people expand their definitions of affection and love to include a wider range of behaviors, they often discover that they aren't as deprived as they originally thought."
Reflect on your feelings of loneliness.
Recognize that loneliness looks different for people at different times of their lives, and that there are those who have many relationships, but still feel like something is missing. Ask yourself what loneliness looks like for you.
"It's important to differentiate between situational loneliness and chronic loneliness," says Bruneau. "Most people feel lonely from time to time, especially in today's individualistic, independence-valuing, more-single-than-ever-culture. However, if I'm feeling lonely more frequently than usual, I get curious about the shift. Has something changed in my relationships leading me to feel more disconnected? Have I been nurturing my current connections and creating opportunities for new ones that make me feel 'seen'? Am I intentionally or accidentally isolating [myself]?" Whether our loneliness is brief or chronic, questions like these can help direct us to the best way to cope, she suggests.
Take some time to relax and slow down.
If you're frequently busy, running around with your to-do list or feel stressed by all the meetings at work, it might be time to hit the brakes
"Sometimes when people's schedules are back-to-back for too long, they start disconnecting from themselves and other people," says Judith Orloff, M.D., psychiatrist and author of Thriving as an Empath. "They get overwhelmed from overworking and too much stimulation. So the practice [then] is just to relax and do what their body needs." Perhaps that relaxing for you could mean listening to music, taking a bath or just sitting with nothing to do and nowhere to be.
Reconnect with self-love and appreciation.
You can use alone time to get back in touch with yourself. "You have to be your own best friend," says Dr. Orloff. "I go to my sacred space and I meditate. I take a few deep breaths, relax and ask worry, fear and loneliness to lift so I can just be with myself."
She recommends that those who are new to meditation practices can try to sit for three minutes and focus on something they find pleasing — like the ocean or dolphins — or any simple things they are grateful for. "Focusing on what you're grateful for rather than what you don't have shifts the negative thinking," she says.
Spend time in nature.
Being alone and strolling through nature can be meditative, too, "mostly because we are able to notice just how much life is truly out there beyond human life and how naturally connected we are to all of it," says Mariel Buqué, Ph.D., a licensed trauma psychologist and an adjunct assistant professor at Columbia University.
Getting your hands in the soil can have a healing affect as well. According to 2017 meta-analysis in Preventive Medicine Reports, gardening can help reduce health symptoms of anxiety and depression — which are two conditions that can be associated with loneliness. If nothing else, "the fresh air and company will re-energize you," says Helene D'Jay, a licensed professional counselor and Clinical Director for Newport Healthcare.
Perform anonymous acts of kindness.
And recognize the kindness in others! Sometimes when you feel alone, you might feel like isolating yourself from the world, which only continues the cycle of loneliness. In that case, finding a group of friends to hang out with or dropping into a large social scene can feel like a lot. So why not consider starting small?
"Go out into the world and notice a smile from the store clerk," says Dr. Orloff. "Hold a door for somebody or do something nice for a stranger and then you start to get the endorphins and the oxytocin going in your body. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It's what mothers have when they give birth. So oxytocin is important."
If you are feeling a bit more extroverted, you might even try starting conversations.
"Get out every day and have a conversation, face-to-face, with your neighbor, a friend, your grocer, the librarian — in short, anyone whom you might meet regularly," says Susan Pinker, psychologist and author of The Village Effect. This doesn’t have to be a close relationship. Research tells us that even weak bonds strengthen our immunity and well-being."
Give back to your neighbors and community.
Another way to create new, meaningful relationships can be going into your immediate community to volunteer. "The key is to focus on others rather than yourself," says Ruth Wolever, Ph.D., a professor and director of the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. "One of the best things to do for loneliness is to begin to build a better social network. Community organizations, religious groups, and social groups around shared interest provide wonderful ways to connect with others."
Wolever, who serves as an executive board member of the National Board for Health & Wellness Coaching, explains that joining a group focused on charity work rather than a common interest (like an intramural sports team or a book club) may provide an easier opportunity to socialize, as you'll be working in tandem on the task at hand. You won't feel "on the spot" to put yourself out there and make new connections if you're already aligned on getting something done.
Simply getting out of the house and doing something selfless on its own is "one of the best ways" to battle feelings of isolation, Wolever says, even if you don't walk away with a new friend immediately. You shouldn't have too much trouble finding an organization that needs your help in your area — but if you're looking for somewhere to start, Wolever recommends MeetUp, a social-driven community board that may clue you in to charity work in your area
Join a club to connect with like-minded people.
Perhaps you are looking to develop more of those deep meaningful relationships. In that case, you might want to explore hobbies with other people to form bonds over common interests. "This could be a class or a committee," Pinker says. "Any activity that puts you in a social environment on a regular basis." Vibe with someone over your love for pottery at a local art class. Find a group of people who are just as obsessed with Game of Thrones as you are. Or maybe try something completely new, like goat yoga. You can have fun with this.