Here's What to Do When You're Feeling Lonely, according to Experts P2
Oct 26, 2022 | by Adele Jackson-Gibson
If you're feeling isolated, these psychologist-approved strategies can help you feel more connected. By Adele Jackson-Gibson
Accept all parts of yourself.
Sometimes loneliness is present even when you're already a part of a community. This can occur, for example, when you find that you are the only one who is of a certain culture and the people around you don't have the same upbringing or background as you. You may feel misunderstood or hesitant to share those unique parts of yourself with others. Dr. Buqué calls this "cultural homelessness."
"It's the feeling that you don't have a home base in the spaces where you hold an identity and it reinforces the ideas that you don't belong in any given space and that you have to compromise a part of yourself in order to fully fit in any given community," she says. "So, it reinforces this idea of suppression in order to fit in and be less 'lonely,' even if only superficially."
The solution? To first work on accepting all of the parts that make you, you no matter where you go, says Dr. Buqué. Then, "the more that you show up as your whole self in any space you occupy, the less you connect superficially. The less superficially you are connecting, the more you're giving space to connect with people in a more profound and healthy way.
Embrace personal intimacy by putting your hand over your heart.
Lack of physical connection can be the cause of loneliness. When we were babies, our bodies were trained to respond to physical touch as a form of communication and connection with our caregivers — especially when "goo goo gaga" didn't quite cut it. So, even if you don't consider yourself a touchy-feely person, physical contact has always been at the center of feeling safe, secure and cared for. But know that you don't need a lover, a friend or a massage therapist to give you a reassuring caress. Placing your hand over your heart could do it.
"Our bodies registers the care we give ourselves in a similar way that it registers the care we get from others through physical touch," says Kristin Neff, Ph.D., associate professor at the University of Texas and author of Self-Compassion. "'Supportive' touch works with the person's parasympathetic nervous system, which actually helps calm us down and reduces cortisol and releases oxytocin." Everyone, however, is different, Dr. Neff says. Some people prefer a hand on the stomach. Others prefer holding their face. Some love hugging themselves. If you're by your lonesome, this could be a chance to figure out how to be your own buddy.
Express yourself through creative arts.
Sketch. Paint. Knit. Anything to get your creative juices flowing.
"Creative arts have an extraordinary capacity to elevate and transcend our negative emotional experiences through self-expression, as well as to connect us more deeply and authentically with each other," says Jeremy Nobel, M.D., MPH, founder of the UnLonely Project.
One of Dr. Nobel's favorite strategies is expressive writing. Jotting down thoughts and feelings you recognize others may be experiencing has a similar result as, say, going to the movies. At the theater you share a room with a group of people — perhaps strangers — who are all witnessing the same journey with you. Even if you don't talk to anyone, you and the entire audience are connected through shared experience, Dr. Nobel explains. Mentally, the same thing happens when you write, even if you never share it with a soul. Although, sharing could be a healthy way to find connection among others
Adopt a pet to help you feel more fulfilled.
Research out of the Pew Center suggests that most people link loneliness to strife within their own families and social circles. If you're feeling a hole in your social life, why not fill it with a playful force that'll be available to you around the clock? Arpit Aggarwal, M.D., a psychiatrist within the University of Missouri Health Care system, suggests that seeking out a furry friend may help you find more satisfaction in your day-to-day life. If you can manage the responsibility, rescuing or adopting a new pet (whether it be a dog, cat or even a bird) may help you feel more fulfilled in your day-to-day routine.
Reevaluate your social media usage.
While the jury is still out on whether or not the rise of social media is driving loneliness and depression, it doesn't hurt to reevaluate the influence it has on your life.
Are you using it to make meaningful connections? Are you spending too much time on it? Is it causing you to withdraw in unhelpful ways? "If we feel dissatisfied with our face-to-face relationships, we [often] retreat into the world of social media, which only exacerbates the problem," says Professor Floyd of the University of Arizona. "On social media, it seems as though everyone else has better jobs, better houses, better vacations and better relationships than we do. That isn't actually true, of course." If Instagram and Facebook are dragging you down, it might be time for a temporary screen detox.
Reconnect with friends and spend quality time together.
Spending time with others is vital to helping you feel more connected — so if you're feeling isolated after losing touch with friends, make a real effort to reconnect. "Intimate relationships [like close friendships] are very important to mental health and especially to decreasing loneliness," says Gail Saltz, M.D., Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital and How Can I Help? podcast host.
You can start by texting an old friend to ask how they're doing — but don't just limit your interaction to text and social media, which can often make for superficial connections. Instead, arrange for time to hang out in person in a safe-feeling space that's casual; whether it's for a quick coffee or a lunch date, where you can make sure that you're spending quality time together.
"Texting in between to stay in touch can be okay, but in-person time together [during which you're] feeling understood, sharing feelings and knowing the other person matters for creating the kind of bond that decreases loneliness," Dr. Saltz explains.
Instead of always waiting to be asked to hang out, Dr. Saltz recommends taking action to extend those invitations yourself — and being forthright and direct in your desire to connect with the other person.
Limit your alcohol intake.
Since loneliness can often be associated with other mental health disorders, including clinical anxiety and depression, there are many lifestyle changes you could make that may alleviate the severity of your symptoms. Getting enough exercise during the week and establishing a healthy sleep routine is at the top of the list for some, but taking stock of how much you are drinking (as well as any recreational drug use) may also help you avoid feelings of isolation
"Avoid using alcohol to manage your feelings, as this can generally make these conditions worse," Dr. Saltz advises. Alcohol, like other drugs, can amplify feelings of psychological depression, and drinking to avoid feeling lonely can easily lead to addiction as you develop tolerance over time. "[Alcohol] may actually take the edge off one's anxiety, but then in a couple of weeks you'll need more to feel that same relief — and this is how addiction starts."
While you don't have to totally abstain from alcohol, Dr. Saltz says cutting back on how much you drink on a daily basis may actually lessen the intensity of your feelings of loneliness over a longer period of time.
Try to push yourself, and recognize when you can't.
Understanding that you are experiencing feelings of loneliness is a step in the right direction — but can you actually act upon those feelings? Howard L. Forman, M.D., a New York City-based psychiatrist and psychotherapist, says that the motivation to actually try and feel more balanced among your peers may be a sign that you can cope in the first place. "If you sign up for a gym class or seek out meetings with friends or contacts, it's a tip-off that you may be lonely, but you're motivated to actually address it."
There isn't a clear-cut path to feeling free of being lonely, but Dr. Forman says simply trying your hand at something new may help to break through to better times ahead. "If you try enough things, likely, one of them is going to pay off at some point." He adds that feeling lonely is often episodic and not something that should feel like a life sentence; any one of these strategies could help move the process along. Simply trying new things when you really have no desire to do so, however, isn't going to alleviate the situation.
It's important to take action if nothing is helping you feel better. "If loneliness becomes hopelessness, please seek out professional help. Loneliness can drive someone into serious mental health conditions that you may not be able to tackle on your own," Dr. Forman says.
Work with a mental health professional.
Sometimes we need professional help to escape the dark thoughts keeping us in isolation.
"One of the most destructive effects of long-term loneliness is that it distorts our cognitions about ourselves," says Professor Floyd. "We come to believe that if we are lonely, we deserve to be lonely and that no one will ever love us the way we want. Those thoughts in turn guide our actions in ways that end up keeping us lonely. Cognitive behavioral therapy is designed to bring our thoughts and behavior better in line with reality." With additional reporting by Hannah Jeon.
If you're struggling with loneliness, anxiety or depression and need professional help, the American Psychological Association's Psychologist Locator tool can help you find a licensed therapist in your area.